im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
