I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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