If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
