My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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