Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
