She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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