I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
