so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
