Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
