i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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