my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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