Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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