we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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