so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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