first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
