Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
