Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
worst night to have a conscience
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
