You smell like stripper and shame
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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