a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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