did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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