Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
