Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Even my vagina gasped.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
