Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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