Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
