I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
