Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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