if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
