She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
