Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
