I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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