My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
