it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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