you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
