you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
