Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
