Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
