I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
