The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you had me at cake vodka
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
