chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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