i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
