I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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