i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
