have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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