Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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