Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
