I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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