guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
