Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
