She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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