Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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