there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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